I think we're getting a little over-concerned with recycling, saving rain forests, whales, dolphins, etc. It's good that we've come to care about our planet, improving the world we leave for our children and protecting our resources. Unfortunately, all too often the resource that needs the most care, attention and protection doesn't get all we should be giving, and that resource is right under our noses: our children. We're leaving the majority of the shaping of our young to the Power Rangers, the Simpsons, and Ren and Stimpy. We're either too busy or too concerned with our other interests, and that TV certainly makes for a great baby-sitter. When the cartoon is over, we have Segas and Super Nientendos to occupy them. No fuss, no bother, no effort on our part. 

I was in a video store the other day with my five year old niece picking out a movie for a treat. We had been to Wal-Mart running other errands and she had been pretty good. So I thought. I looked down as we waited for our turn, and noticed she was stuffing a plastic can of bubble gum down her pants. I went to take it and put it back, thinking I guess to gloss over the incident. After all, kids will be kids. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that in addition to the bubble gum she had several wadded dollar bills and another small candy item. The money was obviously the six dollars missing from my wife's wallet, and the candy could only have come from Wal-Mart. I confiscated the "loot" and returned the movies to their shelves. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but a video as a treat was out of the question. 

I guess my first reaction was to administer a quick scolding, deprive her of the movie I had allowed her to pick out, and sweep the whole incident under the rug. My second reaction was to do a lot of red-faced yelling and screaming, punctuated by several well placed swats. What I finally decided on was none of the above. There was a lesson to be learned here, maybe for both of us. 

My initial reaction was driven by embarrassment. I felt that the child's actions reflected on me. I am an honest man, and as this child is related to me and in my company, I didn't want anyone to know she was a first-time shoplifter. Perhaps someone might pass judgment on me as a guardian. Shouldn't I have foreseen this and been able to prevent it from happening? Maybe, maybe not. I can try to prevent it from happening again. 

My second reaction was anger. I had taken her to the store, promised and bought her some soda to go with dinner, and had taken her to pick out a video. And this is how she repays me? This is the thanks I get? How dare she do this to me! Well, we could see about that! 

What the girl needed was not a six-foot, red-faced monster screaming and belittling her. Her parents had not taught her personal responsibility, and now it was up to me. I think what I did do had more impact on her than a spanking or scolding. I tried to teach her a little personal responsibility. First, as we left the store, I explained to her that what she had done was wrong, very wrong, and why. That there were consequences for her actions, and what those consequences could have been had she been caught by the store personnel rather than by her uncle. I explained this as we drove over to the live-in recovery program where my wife works. I gave the money back to my niece and had her take it and give it to her aunt with an explanation. 

My wife had thought the money had gone amiss while at work the previous day. Because of the people she works with, and because part of her job is teaching them personal responsibility, she had reported the missing money to them when she had got to work that day. She also told them she thought it had gone amiss during her previous day's shift. They were outraged that one of their number may have committed the offense. Now arrives her niece with the missing money in hand, and a very quiet "I stole this." My wife explained to her that the residents had almost gotten the blame for her actions, and had her go around to each of the ladies and apologize for almost getting them in trouble for what she had done. Many of the ladies, having "been there, done that" wanted to comfort her and gloss over her error. This wasn't allowed. We did not want her to get the message that "Oh honey, it's OK." It wasn't ok. Stealing isn't right, and better she should learn that now. 

Next stop was Wal-Mart. This was hard for me, too. First of all, the little girl was miserable. Second of all, and maybe more so, I was still embarrassed. Still, I had her take the candy she had stolen and we went to the courtesy desk. I asked for the manager, and we were told to wait a few minutes. During that wait, my niece tried to get me to take the candy, or allow her to set it down on the counter. Nope, sorry honey. You have to do this. The manger walked up, and I introduced my niece and had her return the candy and tell him why she had it. The man was good, real good. He looked at her and said, "Oh, you're the little girl we were looking for!" Not mean, not harsh, just very matter-of-fact. He turned to the assistant manger and told him to "...call upstairs and tell them we have the little girl that stole the candy." He explained to Michelle that they had found out a little girl had stolen some candy, and that they were looking for her. What followed was gentle lecture about how it was wrong to steal, and that taking things from the store without paying for them or having the adult pay for them was stealing. He then followed it up by giving her a little bit of praise for her courage in standing up for herself and facing the consequences. Walking back out to the car, she had little to say. It was obvious that she had been given some food for thought. Once we got home, instead of a spanking, I hugged her and told her that I loved her, but that I didn't like it when she stole. 

No yelling, no screaming, no spanking could have made the impression on her like making her take responsibility for her actions, and making her right the wrong she had committed. Bart Simpson can't teach our children right and wrong, or personal responsibility. That's our jobs as parents and guardians. We have to have that accountability ourselves, and take the time to pass it on to our children like a legacy, each and every chance we get. Part of that is showing them in a consistent, constructive way that they will be held accountable for their actions. Part of that is by example. I told Michelle stealing was wrong. If she saw me bringing home tools from work, or taking the extra newspaper out of the paper machine when I had only paid for one, or bragging about having gotten back more change that I was due from a purchase, what's the message I'm giving her? It's only wrong if you get caught? As much as our children learn from what tell them, they learn as much or more from what we do, and how we act day to day. 

What message have you given your children today? What lessons have you passed on?

David Osborne © 1995 All Rights Reserved, cannot be republished in any form without prior written permission of author