A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. -Alfred E. Wiggam 

A conservative is a man who does not think that anything should be done for the first time. -Frank Vanderlip 

A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. -Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915) 'Epigrams' 

A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned how to walk forward. -Franklin Delano Roosevelt 

A conservative is one who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. -Leo Rosten 

A critic is a legless man who teaches running. -Anonymous 

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. -Robert Frost 

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. -Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965) 

A kiss: To a young girl, faith; to a married woman, hope; to an old maid, charity. -V. P. Skipper

A musicologist is a man who can read music but can't hear it. -Sir Thomas Beecham 

A pessimist is someone who has had to listen to too many optimists. -Anonymous 

A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground. -H. L. Mencken 

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. -Anonymous 

A satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about himself and then says them about other people. -Peter McArthur 

A science is any discipline in which the fool of this generation can go beyond the point reached by the genius of the last generation. -Max Gluckman 

A timid person is frightened before a danger, a coward during the time, and a courageous person afterward. -Jean Paul Richter 

Academy: A modern school where football is taught. -Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) 'The Devil's Dictionary' 

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. -Charlie McCarthy

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. -Laurence J. Peter 

An egotist is a person of low taste--more interested in himself than in me. -Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) 

An executive is a person who always decides; sometimes he decides correctly, but he always decides. -John H. Patterson 

An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a narrow field. -Niels Bohr (1885-1962) 

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less. -Nicholas Murray Butler 

An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience. -Donald R. Perry Marquis 

Belladonna: In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. -Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) 'The Devil's Dictionary' 

Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain. -Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) 'The Devil's Dictionary' 

Childhood: The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age. -Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) 'The Devil's Dictionary' 

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. -Albert Einstein (1879-1955) 

Computer: a million morons working at the speed of light. -David Ferrier 

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking. -H. L. Mencken

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives. -John Stuart Mill 

Death: to stop sinning suddenly. -Anonymous 

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice Doggie!" till you can find a rock. -Wynn Catlin

Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. -Anonymous 

Drama is life with the dull bits cut out. -Alfred Hitchcock 

Economists are people who work with numbers but don't have the personality to be accountants. -Anonymous 

Education: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding. -Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) 'The Devil's Dictionary' 

Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. -Jerome Lettvin 

Evil is whatever distracts. -Franz Kafka 

Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age. -Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) 

Fiction is the truth inside the lie. -Stephen King 

Friendships are fragile things, and require as much handling as any other fragile and precious thing. -Randolph S. Bourne 

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something. -Wilson Mizner 

Genius is the talent of a person who is dead. -Anonymous 

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. -Alfred Jarry 

Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. -Anonymous 

Heresy is another word for freedom of thought. -Graham Greene